12 November, 2016


It's hard to gather thoughts about this week into an organized fashion. Mainly a lot of disappointment and frustration towards what happened in the elections. On top of that, there are some personal news that added extra stress to the week. I wanted to just formulate into words some feelings about being ... me.

I never felt the need to come out to the internet, but if I had to come out officially, it would be now.

I was born into extremely conservative parents. Not only are they Asian, they are also religious to the point. Now, they may argue that they share love for all people - but c'mon, they're religious asian parents. Get real. My parents ironically were not helicopter in grades but in values and behaviour. I can't tell which is the lesser evil: helicopter grades or helicopter moral and behaviour? One can argue they're all bad either way. They are ignorant and very much in denial of life outside their religious circle; about how average normal people are like. Basically they stick within their circle and everything outside is evil. When one of my sibling decided to stop going to church, it was a preview to the apocalypse to them; they were depressed for months on end. When the sibling decided to move in with their significant other, they wanted the sibling to get married before doing so. Insert confusion [here].

So that's my parents. Now me.

I am the eldest of three, I grew up in a bubble. This bubble was well padded with religion. I didn't know life outside my religious bubble. Imagine me becoming attracted to girls in my late teens. It was hella weird. To be honest, I thought I was just admiring girls in a .. very infatuated way. I did date guys in my teens but it was nothing serious. A few years down the line, I actually started dating a girl - which didn't last long (see: lasted too long). And even then, I fought with myself: I was breaking the rules. It took me a long time to accept myself. I made the right choice to not tell my parents, and took my time to come to the facts. I know that my parents would never accept this.

A little while after, I fell in love with the most amazing girl. Literally the best person in my life: patient with my shortcomings, chill, loving and kind. The healthiest relationship I've ever had the chance to cultivate and strive for. We're not the perfect couple, but I love her like crazy. It was then I fully came to terms that it was okay; it was okay for me to be me. Being loved by this person and being accepted by this person so completely helped me to accept me.

I came out to the atheist sibling, and they were quite enthusiastic to have a lesbian sister (much as if I was a brand). The sibling told me that my parents would understand just as they've come to accept my their way of life. I don't think they understand how much heavier of news my orientation would be compared to the heterosexual relationship they are pursuing. This is a completely different level of transgression; a sin so severe that had civilizations of Sodom and Gomorrah destroyed. Needless to say, I quickly discarded that suggestion. In fact, I'm dead set on never telling them: it would cause too much grief on both parties.

Choosing not to come out is a heavy choice. It's hiding who you are, it's being unable to tell another person who you are. You are not able to do this because you sense the danger of judgment or discrimination. There are people I absolutely love at church, but when they address same gender relationships it makes me realize that there will be people who won't love me anymore when they know the real me. This is a very somber realization. I don't blame them if they would stop loving me; we fear the unknown, and most of them have no idea about homosexual individuals (let alone the rest of the acronym).

It is so freeing... to be able to be who you are. To be surrounded by an environment who accept you for who you are or just treat your being as normal. I was elated to be able to move to the states with my girlfriend. I get to live my own life, choose my own path, pursue my dreams.

I can be me.

Then the elections happened.

The dreams I have are now shrouded in uncertainty. Not only am I homosexual, I am Asian, I am female.

It is crucial to give people the freedom to be. Creating a safe, loving, open-minded space is an imperative to the well being of our society. I have felt the cage, I have felt the freedom. No matter what happens, I hope I will always remember this, and to be able be an example of love, empathy and open-mindedness. I know I have a long long way to go (oh boy!); but I have to keep trying.

Never give up on love.


Anonymous said...

Some people may be negative about lgbtq. But in real life, at the end of day, they don't bother.Because they would need to think about their own life.(if you know what i mean) They would not care about other people being LGBTQ. There's more things to worry in real life about like money or food. That's what i feel.

Anonymous said...

Kind of out of the blue, but I check in on your art from time to time and happened upon the link to this blog post, and I just felt compelled to say something. For whatever it's worth from a friend from 10 years ago, I'm really happy for you accepting and being proud of who you are, and I'm really rooting for you!

As for the election, the biggots and hateful people of America feel emboldened right now, but they are a dieing breed. The good people are standing together and showing that we are through with letting them be such garbage human beings. Things will get better.

You just go on being you. Surround yourself with people who you love and who love you. Don't let the crappy people of the world ruin your good mood.